Up. Down. Repeat Cycle.

Recap of yesterday:

I experienced Ghana sun like I never have before, and I paid for it big time. My time spent outside perusing around the Damba festival zapped every ounce of energy from me. I don’t know myself like this, and it is frustrating to someone who doesn’t know how to pace herself in such weather. Consequently, I took a 2.5 hour nap TWICE yesterday and was sleeping by 9 last night.

It is hotter than blue blazes out here.

My culture shock has been postponed until now. I guess it’s not so much shock as feeling like a complete outsider. This festival is one bizarre thing after another: Dancing, slaughtering cattle, chiefs and warriors, throwing food, the most peculiar dress I have ever seen. In some ways I feel like I shouldn’t be here because it is so “African” for lack of a better word. This festival is really important to the Gonja tribe, and I don’t understand anything that is going on or anything anybody is saying.

Saboba is not like this, and I miss it every day. The people in Damongo are not nearly as friendly, and life here is more frenetic though things will probably slow down when this festival is over. I need to suck it up because this is simply an opportunity to stretch and learn. I knew these times would come…

The hardest part about yesterday was my time at the orphanage.

I know that being an orphan means you have lost both parents. I understand the repercussions of this. I went with my Dutch friend Yolanda, and even though they don’t even know how I am, the little ones spotted as yards away and came running and latched on our legs, wanting us to pick them up. At first it’s endearing as they are so cute, but after a while, it got tiring to me because of what all this means.

They are so dirty. Snotty noses, dirt all over their hand and feet and ratty clothes, and I genuinely despised myself for a few moments yesterday for hesitating to pick up a  little boy who couldn’t have been more than 3. I hated my clean white shirt and my clean shorts and my freshly disinfected hands. How dare I think I am to clean to give a small child love and affection? Dear God, forgive me. I was so upset at myself that tears began to well in my eyes as I reached down to pick this bright-eyed little boy. How dare I think such a thing…

One of the girls had a game she wanted to play so we went inside around a table and starting setting it up. Instantly, there was a heard of other little kids surrounding us wanting to play. This was a memory game, a Toy Story 3 memory game, and though it was in Dutch, I could still figure it out. Liza, the one who initiated this, is 6 and brilliant. She beat me everytime, and I was honestly trying. She could remember from rounds back exactly where the card with Woody smiling with Jessie was. I couldn’t believe it. The little boy I picked up earlier was asleep on my lap, his sweat dripping onto my leg.

I didn’t move.

It was time for the older ones to start setting up for lunch, so we went outside and that’s when I met 10 year old Adiatu. She is a stunning little girl with a vibrant personality, and I connected quickly with her. There was music one of the boys had turned on a she began to sing, and that turned into song after song. I taught her one of my favorite songs that Jon and Trish taught me when I was little (I love you for that and hope you are reading this). She loved it, which was no surprise considering I’m 23 and I still love it. After that one, she asked if I knew the next song and she began to sing.

The words went something like this,

“No more suffering. No more weakness. The day will come when I will see my Jesus. Mommy is waiting for me. Daddy is waiting more me. My sister is waiting for me...”

Shot to the heart. I couldn’t keep the tears inside. Even now, a day later, writing this I can’t hide the hurt I still feel. There were so many emotions all at once. I was so touched by her innocence and her sweet hope, and that she is a genuinely happy little girl despite her circumstances, overwhelmed and saddened by the severity and weight of her circumstance, and angry. This was so unfair.

I had to look away though I was still listening. I looked at the other kids, doing various things. Two were fighting. The older boys were playing soccer out in the sun. A baby was sleeping on the concrete porch outside in nothing but her panties. These are the kind of images that never leave someone.

I used to have a Bible with pictures in it highlighting various stories throughout the Scriptures. There was one of Jesus sitting on a rock with children on His lap and all around him.

“Let the little children come to me.”  

When you see something like this, your understanding of who God is deepens. It’s like how you get to know someone over dinner, “Oh so you are a Cowboys fan…” You learn things about each other when you talk and life out your lives together, and I am understanding the heart of God more and more.

There are two ways to handle seeing things like this: get bitter and angry and wonder what kind of God would allow such horrible things or feel compelled to share the hope that drives you.

I am choosing the latter. Yes, this made me angry, and yes, I have questioned God. I am not smart enough or energized enough to write about why I think bad things happen to good people. I do not know. No one does, but if things are really all up to chance and if there is really no purpose to any of this, to any of the pain and sorrow we deal with every day, why get up in the morning?

Why?

I certainly wouldn’t.

I know it hurts, but it hurts me more to know that there is no reason for any of this. God is a God of great love and compassion, and when things like this hurt me, how much more does God feel?

I pray and pray that God would come and save them and give them arms to love them and hands to hold theirs, but it occurred to me that may never happen in the way I see fit in my mind’s eye. But just yesterday, I realized that God was using my arms to love them, and my hands to hold theirs because He cares about those little ones.

My emotions are unpredictable as things are so overwhelming. I am doing fine, I really am, but things are just a but tough right now. Forgive the ups and downs and the tears. I have to write to keep myself sane.

In other news, I did attend the festival today and my OH MY what an event that was. These people are crazy. They danced all night, literally ALL night last night and starting at 10 and danced for nearly 3 more hours!! I watched the whole things, memorized by the color, rhythm and music. I saw the Ashanti tribe’s king, which was a really big deal here, and left after that because I was doing that wilting-going to die thing so Bob and Jean took me back to the house.

I am not even going to attempt to describe what I saw, so I will get you pictures somehow.

New Cast Members….

Abraham- the guy I’m staying with who runs the orphanage. He is amazing, and has opened his home to me and several other people. He is smart, insightful and so much fun. I am very thankful to have met him.

Joyce- She is 15 and used to be live at the orphanage, but now lives at the house. She is a darling girl and took one of my naps with me yesterday day. She cooks when Abraham doesn’t and is a wonderful chef. I have had several opportunities to talk to her about her life and the thing that moved me most is that she is so happy. That is a common thing I have been seeing here. Her parents have been taken away from her, but she has a deep abiding joy.

Lucy- the other girl who lives in the house. She is my age and also very sweet. I enjoy talking to her, but what I really enjoy is listening to her and Abraham argue about whatever is the topic of the moment. She wore this blue dress today that was jaw-dropping. These girls have a kind of beauty I have never seen before.

In other, other news, I just checked my email to see my dear brother Galen has made this facebook official, but I did find out this morning that I got accepted to ISU.

Gavin’s response: “AHHHHHHHHH MOM!! Tap the keg!!!” (hilarious) “Nik! This means you can work for me someday!” He would.

This acceptance means several things: that God gives us dreams so He can make them happen, that I have good people in my life who have helped me, and that I am going to school in the fall, which means that I am going to do my dream job this summer and work in a flower shopJ

I have yet to hear about Loma Linda, but either way, I am going to school so I can graduate and get some crap done around this place.

I know so many of you were praying with your eyes shut extra tight- THANK YOU and I’m sending you all my love.